I think the reason why I get heartbroken so easily is because I fall in love with the anticipation; the excitement of the possibility of falling in love. I’m a dreamer and the problem with dreamers is that we tend to envision the potential of a multitude of situations. You become connected to the fantasies that you dream up –the way that he pushes back your hair behind your ear to softly kiss you, or when he makes you laugh; when he looks over at you and really LOOKS at you; and the way his hands always find their way to yours….I fall in love with the beautiful possibilities. I fell in love with the imagined mountains that he moved for me…and the heartbreak that I feel now is entirely my own fault.
I got caught up in my emotions and in the way he spoke to me and I did not take a step back and view the situation fairly. I believe that I built sturdy, resilient walls around my heart but they tend to collapse like props from a movie set –falling down like styrofoam at the faintest touch. By the time I realize that the barriers have been compromised, it’s already too late –my façade of confidence and strength is like that of a paper doll.
So what now? You wept like a little girl over the loss of something that was never there. He wasn’t willing to explore something amazing with you –he wasn’t even inclined to make any time for you. Trying to overanalyze his words and actions will not change his mind from walking away. Believing his words,
“So at least for now this is a goodbye….maybe later we will find each other again,”
is only an empty promise to soften the blow. He was fearful of the possibilities whereas, you were exhilarated by them. Being frightened of love will only create more loss; anticipating love and remaining hopeful despite the heartbreak illustrates resiliency and strength.
The problem with dreamers is that we become weary from the reveries –in the end, we just need someone to dream with…
And unfortunately, he did not want to dream beside me.