My Sun

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sunflower

 

When the sun leaves the sky,
That’s how I feel when we leave each other.
I’m left glowing and your imprints remain on my skin.
After awhile they fade away into the sky,
And you leave stars in my eyes…
The night sky only glows so brightly when she knows the sun will kiss her in the morning.

The Stars Within

She stepped barefoot through the wet grass,

Green flecks sticking to her toes.

The wind pushed back her hair like invisible fingers,

Tracing the outline of her features.

She held a cross-body bag close to her hip,

Her hand clinging to the top zipper,

Fearful that its’ precious contents would spill out.

She gently undid the top of the bag,

Wedged her hand inside and grasped a small book.

It was drenched in stardust,

Trickling onto the ground and her skirt; sticking to her palms,

There was a trail of wet, dewy stars trailing behind her.

She carried a tiny, infinite universe within her bag,

It held endless possibilities and it was up to her to dream and create them.

She wrote and drew all of her wishes, hopes, and desires in her star-kissed book.

Every time she did, she created more stars, nebulas, and everlasting life and light.

Anything and everything she wanted,

All she had to do was visualize and she instantly created it.

 

She was grateful for her gifts and abilities,

However, there was a loneliness inside her heart,

She yearned for someone extraordinary to share her creations with.

She began to write down all of the qualities she would like in another,

She was detailed in her wishes and a small nebula started to form.

It was tucked away in the corner of her universe, between two planets.

She waited patiently but the nebula did not expand as quickly as others had before,

It seemed suspended in its’ growing state.

She continued on, designing more and more of her unbounded universe,

And soon she put the beautiful, odd nebula out of her starry head.

 

With every dream and star she created,

Another piece of her was unmasked,

Gathered from the lush and vaporous universe.

Soon, her whole heart was revealed as she gazed at her cosmos, satisfied with her innovations.

In the corner of her eye, the unusual nebula began to spread out,

Clouds of colors and light start to form until an immense orb of light shoots out into the vastness.

She shields her eyes.

When she regains her vision, the nebula is gone.

All that remains is the night sky and stars in the distance.

 

Perplexed by the strange occurrence, she scoops up her bag and continues walking.

Tiny droplets start to fall from the clouds up above,

Beads cling to her cheeks and eyelashes as she starts to jog out of the rain.

Puddles form on the ground and she realizes that they are full of stardust.

She looks up at the clouds and they emulate the nebula mist she saw in her universe.

 

She sees something up ahead through the starry haze and her breath is taken away.

On the path, there’s a bright figure of glimmering fog floating in her direction,

As the silhouette glides closer, she senses a sparkling energy in the air, pulsing from the tiny, electrifying cloud.

Distance starts to close in and a feeling of familiarity and intimacy rush and warm through her heart, radiating outwards.

Her legs pull towards the cloud like a magnet,

As she approaches, reaching her fingers out, the mist envelops her in its’ stunning, warm light.

It seeps into her skin, flowing through her body, filling and saturating her.

All at once, she feels full, whole and light as an angel’s feather.

Her eyes are shimmering more than ever before.

She is the most brilliant and radiant star in her sky.

She is complete –filled with all of the love she has given to every starry fragment.

She is her ultimate creation; she is her universe.

 

stone_shaped_heart_by_CatchMe_22 - Copy copy

 

I’ve been working on this short story for a few weeks now. I kept going back to it, changing and revising it because I never felt like it was complete. In the beginning, I had planned to have her meet the love of her life in the ending but it just didn’t feel right after it was all laid out on paper –something was off. It seemed like one of those Disney fairytales where the princess cannot be truly happy or whole until the prince comes to rescue her. In my feminist habits, this is absolutely furthest from the message that I wanted to convey.

However, writing this has been a journey all on its’ own for my own realization that the only true love that you should be looking for is the one with yourself. You know in your heart that you deserve more than the relationships that you’ve had in the past, so why don’t you act with that purpose? Knowing is one thing but acting with that knowledge is true wisdom.

You can only find your better whole when you’ve created yourself first. That’s one of the major lessons of life –we’re uncovering so many different pieces of ourselves along the way. Sometimes our path gets shrouded with missteps and we end up following our emotions rather than what our heart is really trying to tell us. I feel it’s rather simple but we overcomplicate it so much that we lose the true meaning of life and of love.

Create yourself and I don’t mean in the way that you need to make up who you are. You already are who you are –give as much love as you can to every piece of yourself; you’ll unfold and blossom. Use that passion to build yourself up, never tear yourself down; learn what works and what doesn’t; take time to heal when another’s actions harm you –your scars are lessons that make you resilient. But truly, once you find that passion within, it’s like you unveil all of the parts of yourself that you never realized were there. Your own creativity and your love will move the mountains that you place in your own way. And once you fully act with love, there’s no reason for your true self to be covered up anymore. And maybe that’s when you’ll find someone that sees that beauty and loves every piece of you.

 

The Only Exception

I always make it a point to write from my heart on all of my topics; however I prefer to keep my personal romantic endeavors quite vague and inexplicit. This article will be an exception to that.

I’ve come to a point in the last few months that I was considering deleting my online dating account. Honestly, trying to filter out who’s actually genuine and real is draining and exhausting. It had made me despondent and I started believing that there really are no gentlemen left –only lost boys disguised as them.

In my experience over the last four months, I have come across only one noteworthy man. Let’s call him Gary for anonymity’s sake.

Gary seemed very put together –he was handsome and witty; he was working on his MBA, had traveled all over the world, and had studied abroad in different countries for school and for work. For all intents and purposes, he actually had his life and future together which was quite refreshing. Frankly, I was intimidated –he was intelligent, articulate, but for some reason, it was hard to ascertain his attraction towards me. I had honestly never met anyone like him before; he made me flustered. However, his conversations with me came off as ostentatious and hard-hitting. This gave me the impression that he thought I should inform myself more on social issues –which is not entirely false, but there’s a gentler and cordial approach that could have been used. I responded with silence and felt stifled. Despite my instincts telling me we were absolutely wrong for one another, I continued our puzzling friendship and intimate involvement; mostly out of boredom and curiosity. I wondered if he would ever open up and really share himself with me; but I took it for what it was and concluded that he did not want anything more than our current arrangement.

A little over three months went by and we had a routine that we would hang out every weekend; I would sleepover and quickly and quietly leave in the morning. I had never been in a situation like that before so not having those definite borders within an established relationship was new to me. And although this different approach was thrilling and exciting; in retrospect, I was settling for comfort and fun over my well-deserved butterflies, romance, and passion. He never made me feel that he wanted to be amorous with me and it was my fault for continuing on, letting him believe that I was content with it. Again, another self-respect lesson. Why settle and spend time with someone you know you have no future with? You’re only postponing for when the right one will come along.

I sent him a message explaining how we weren’t perfect for one another, how our fling had obviously fizzled out, and just being respectful of our friendship and our time together –because in all honesty, I did really enjoy his company –he is a very distinctive and clever guy. I was basically giving him an out if he wanted it –testing the waters to see if I should just move on or not.

Now I’m not going to go into detail about the events that transpired afterwards. As much as I am hurt and saddened to not have him in my life any longer, I am not the type of woman to rant to the online world about the specific wrongdoings of another. When two people are not right together, no matter how much you care, it just won’t work out. And he made it clear that he truly had no idea what he wanted –and it definitely was not me.

The Universe pushes us in the right direction all the time –especially when we’re off track. If we don’t make our move and sit in the wrong place for too long, we get burned by our inactions. Settling for something not meant for you is being indecisive and you’re only hurting yourself. You become too afraid to make a choice to walk away. And truthfully, I was afraid to walk away –as casual as it was. Closing the door to a situation is always frightening because it’s hard to see yourself without them or having things be different.

This circumstance has positively changed my perspective and opened my eyes. Of course there were a lot of other interactions with different guys and possibilities, but none of them are worth mentioning. I truly know what I want in the man I give my heart to –whether he’s online, already in my life now, or I meet him someday. Settling for anything less than what I want is unacceptable. Being “casual” with someone is completely overrated and absolutely beyond complicated. Adding sex into the mix of an already confusing situation made me feel attached to someone I really didn’t feel a strong connection to in the first place. I need to be clear-cut and honest about my feelings with someone and I want that fully reciprocated. I don’t deserve being tossed back and forth because someone doesn’t know what they want. I want someone that knows exactly what he wants and isn’t afraid to express that and go after it. I want to be chased, I want to be pursued, I want to be won over by someone. I want romance and I want to be treated like he believes I’m the most incredible woman in the world. Because at this point, I’m aware of how easily I open up my heart to people and that’s really not being fair to myself. How can I let someone fight for my heart if I just openly give it to them initially?

So whether I meet someone online again, he’s already in my life, or I haven’t met him yet –he’s got to pull down the stars from the heavens if he truly wants me and my love entirely.

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Unacceptable

His words cut through me like a knife,

“I’m looking for someone I could potentially get married to. Anything less…you and I…this is just not acceptable to me anymore.”

And I knew we weren’t right for one another –we were far from good together. I didn’t feel the sparks, I didn’t feel that warmth rush through me when he looked at me or when he said my name –there was no romance –I felt none of that.

And for me, that was unacceptable because I want the butterflies, and I deserve the passion and the love from someone that takes my breath away. All I felt from him was comfort –like the arms of an old sitting chair –you know it smells musty but it’s so comfortable and worn in that you don’t want to move. And now that that contentment was gone, I was angry; angry that I wasn’t the one to say it first. It wasn’t fair to either one of us. We both deserved more…

The Universe pushes us in the right directions all the time –especially when we’re off track. If we don’t make our move and sit in the wrong place for too long, we get burned by our inactions. You have to keep moving, you have to be proactive in your decisions.

No one can ever make you feel a certain way without your permission. Yes, they can make you happy, yes, they can break you down and hurt you; but until you realize that you are the final say in the matter, anyone can affect you however they want. You are the only one in control of your own life; so you have to take charge of your own happiness -it’s a chosen perspective. Do not settle for what is not right for you. Surround yourself with those that would bring down the stars for you.

stars

The Problem With Being a Dreamer

I think the reason why I get heartbroken so easily is because I fall in love with the anticipation; the excitement of the possibility of falling in love. I’m a dreamer and the problem with dreamers is that we tend to envision the potential of a multitude of situations. You become connected to the fantasies that you dream up –the way that he pushes back your hair behind your ear to softly kiss you, or when he makes you laugh; when he looks over at you and really LOOKS at you; and the way his hands always find their way to yours….I fall in love with the beautiful possibilities. I fell in love with the imagined mountains that he moved for me…and the heartbreak that I feel now is entirely my own fault.

I got caught up in my emotions and in the way he spoke to me and I did not take a step back and view the situation fairly. I believe that I built sturdy, resilient walls around my heart but they tend to collapse like props from a movie set –falling down like styrofoam at the faintest touch. By the time I realize that the barriers have been compromised, it’s already too late –my façade of confidence and strength is like that of a paper doll.

So what now? You wept like a little girl over the loss of something that was never there. He wasn’t willing to explore something amazing with you –he wasn’t even inclined to make any time for you. Trying to overanalyze his words and actions will not change his mind from walking away. Believing his words,

“So at least for now this is a goodbye….maybe later we will find each other again,”

is only an empty promise to soften the blow. He was fearful of the possibilities whereas, you were exhilarated by them. Being frightened of love will only create more loss; anticipating love and remaining hopeful despite the heartbreak illustrates resiliency and strength.

The  problem with dreamers is that we become weary from the reveries –in the end, we just need someone to dream with…

And unfortunately, he did not want to dream beside me.

Some Hearts Are Meant For More

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Some Hearts Are Meant For More

Love and Emotion

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Love and Emotion

Moving Past the Haze

            You meet someone and you’re instantly attracted. Your physical and emotional magnetism is electrifying. Your lips touch and you begin to feel that lovey-dovey haze trickle down, obscuring your vision. Your hands embrace each other and you feel that rush from your inner hormone cocktail mixed with: dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, and oxytocin; which stimulate your crazy, love-induced behavior.[1] The mixture of emotions effervesce when you hear their voice. Temporary insanity arises when you await their call or text.

            We’ve all experienced the beginning of love when it takes over our being. Our judgment and decision-making is skewed and all we contemplate or desire is to be with this other person. Yet every so often, this screen that is formed becomes so rigid and firm that this lovely cloudiness does not fade away easily. This may not happen to everyone but when emotions run high, situations can become more complicated than they should be. This hazy vision begins to confuse your judgment of this person and you look past their undesirable traits and behavior. It’s as if this passion has high-jacked your brain and you’re only able to notice their enjoyable and pleasing characteristics. After becoming sexually involved with your love interest, it only goes downhill from there –the hormones that are stirred up after sex only increase your love and attachment ten-fold. These fuzzy feelings are fantastic –at first; but they can cause you to only see minor parts of a person. So how do you clean off this filmy condensation of love and see this person for who they really are?

            I’ve been in unhealthy relationships that have lasted way past their expiration date. Yet even in retrospect I am unsure of the reason that I stuck around. Last year I was in a relationship that was detrimental to my wellbeing. It was an incredibly, emotionally abusive involvement and I became numb and oblivious. I felt like my head was in a cloud and that I could not see the relationship or him objectively. I did not feel like myself and I continually felt off. I was determined to clear my mind so I began to reflect on myself and the relationship in its entirety. Personally, I look at the potential of a person –the good in them regardless of their bad choices and actions. I realized that his over-protective and manipulative behavior was coming from a very insecure place within himself –this had nothing to do with me. I looked past what I loved about him and the good times that we had shared and saw the situation for what it truly was –unhealthy. Training yourself to have a fluid perspective is a beneficial way to see past your emotions. Emotions are meant to aid you in your decision process yet sometimes it’s hard to look past these intense feelings.

            This type of overwhelming passion is represented in various media varieties. For example, the Bachelor television show airs a competition of twenty-five women contesting to win the heart and a marriage proposal of the main love interest. In my opinion, this show is degrading and belittling towards both sexes. The program nationally broadcasts open ‘relationships;’ aggressive hostility and competition for the attention and love of a man that is fawned over mainly for his physical appearance and sexual potential.

            Due to the excessive media exposure of this past Bachelor season with Juan Pablo, I decided to catch a few episodes –mainly for the strong and independent women that confronted the sexist and disrespectful Bachelor. It was interesting to see how this superficial love affected a lot of the women on the show; and what was more fascinating was seeing them snap out of it when they realized who he truly was.

            Juan Pablo is nothing more than a handsome face that turned out to be extremely rude while utilizing the excuse of being honest. He slut-shamed his pursuers, only spoke of himself, and for the sake of being ‘truthful,’ was not genuine with his feelings towards any of the contestants; especially the last remaining women. Nonetheless, it was apparent how strongly, Nikki, the woman that he chose, was under the spell of this love haze. She stayed with him regardless of being disgraced after he stated on the last episode, “I’m not 100% sure I want to marry you, but I’m 100% sure I do not want to lose you.” You could see the disappointment in her eyes and how much she was holding back her hurt feelings whenever he spoke to her. But why did she continue to stay considering her unrequited love? Whether this performance is staged or not, this represents what so many people experience in dating and relationships –inability to separate strong emotion from our perspective.

            Emotion is defined as: “a subjective, conscious experience characterized primarily by psychophysiological expressions, biological reactions, and mental states; it is often associated and considered reciprocally influential with mood, temperament, personality, disposition, and motivation.”[2] Emotions are evolutionarily meant to aid you in decision making to keep you alive and carry on the species.[3] However, I feel that over the centuries, our culture has embraced our emotions more tightly than to our basic gut instincts.

            Learning to consider your emotions and feelings with a grain of salt is difficult but not impossible. In some cases, you may feel overwhelmed by your feelings about certain people or situations –this makes it difficult to assess and make wise, healthy decisions. In order to attempt to move past the hormone-stimulated, “honeymoon” feelings, contemplate on the following ideas:

Self-Reflection: Take a step back from the situation. Choose a few days to be on your own. Reflect within how you feel about yourself and your circumstances. Regaining your perspective is key in seeing something or someone objectively. Also, being solely by yourself helps reclaim your own personal perspective –when we are with others, we tend to veer our perception to match those around us.

Self-Awareness: Consider all of your feelings, not just the ones that make you feel good. Have you been ignoring some of your thoughts? Did your love interest say something that made you cringe? How often does this happen? Assess how you feel in every situation. Are you more comfortable by yourselves than with your friends or in public? Is there a reason for this? Do they ever make you feel bad? Are you feeling manipulated? Contemplate your initial responses. Trust your gut instinct!

Objectivity: Be aware of yourself in every situation. Do you notice your emotions overriding your decision process? Do you put this person ahead of yourself? Increasing your self-awareness aids you in becoming objective about the situation and people. You have allowed yourself to step back; you are not as emotionally attached to the situation so you are neutral and less biased. Now look at the person and the circumstance without all of the intricate emotions laced into it. You’re able to see things more clearly and your awareness and instincts will guide you. (Wake up your inner wolf! Haha..)

Communication: It is always best to communicate your feelings. However, use your best judgment in expressing yourself. Specifically word your conversation as to not put the other person on the defensive. Try: “I FEEL like this WHEN YOU…” Focus on how they react and handle your interaction. Do they openly listen and respect you? Do they become defensive? Can these issues be resolved? Will change occur? Keep in mind that people do not change entirely, so if there is a trait that bothers you about this person, really stop and think if you can get past it.

            These steps help guide you to utilize your emotions in your decision making and to increase objectivity within your perspective. Emotions are there to help, not to overwhelm you. No matter how intensely wonderful you feel, your emotions can overshadow your true insight. Regain control over your brain! Just because you feel a certain way, does not make it true. Become aware of yourself and those around you and listen to what your heart tells you. Regardless of how your situations work out, you will always gain an experience, a lesson, and a story to share. Absorb as much as you can from the world around you and be mindful of your instincts. Wake up the inner YOU!

[1]http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/hottopics/love/

[2] “Theories of Emotion”. Psychology.about.com. 2013-09-13. Retrieved 2013-11-11.

[3] Monique’s well educated brain. :)

 

Image( http://www.mymodernmet.com/photo/2100445:Photo:410229 )

 

Fully Love and Respect Yourself

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Fully Love and Respect Yourself

Dating Too Close to Valentine’s Day

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The issues with dating too close to Valentine’s Day.

Saint Valentine-Why Did You Have To Die on Feb 14th?

Not much is known about Saint Valentine –his story may have even been that of multiple people. The only fact that is recognized is that he died on February 14th. Some say that he secretly married couples defying the emperor so that their husbands did not have to go to war. Others say that his prayers before his execution healed the jailer’s daughter and restored her sight and hearing. Many of the legends that are told about him stem from Geoffrey Chaucer, notable author of Canterbury Tales, when during the 14th century, February 14th became a day dedicated to romantic love.1 Little did Valentine know that on the day that he died, billions of people would either cringe or be elated by his name.

Honestly I enjoy the month of February. My birthday is the week before Valentine’s day and I love seeing pink fluffy bears and heart shaped candy celebrating my day of birth –obviously that’s the only reason they’re there, right? But when it comes down to it, I’ve truthfully never been with someone that has expressed his love for me as I wished he would. No bouquet of flowers, no huge teddy bears, no candlelit home cooked dinners –I’ve always done this for them and not received anything in return. (I know…what the heck Monique?) Although, I do believe that Valentine’s day unfortunately has a stigma of high expectations. You are hearing this from the girl that has lived with horrifyingly lovey-dovey parents that have encouraged her unrealistic high expectations –like they are WAY WAY up there. My parents are disgustingly perfect for one another and observing their relationship while growing up has in fact ruined me for love because I doubt I will ever meet a man that lives up to how my dad treats my mom.

Not only because of the most adorable parents in the world, but wonderful society has placed extreme expectancies for this love drenched day. Nearing February, you see various flower commercials, jewelry promotions, and reminders that you MUST get your “better half” something special. Do not get me wrong, I am all for this and I would love to get a dozen dark red roses with spritzes of baby’s breath delivered to my place of work (message me for my specific address ;) ). After all, this is a day of courtly love so you should be expressing your love for those you care for in your life. But what happens to that one in your life that you’re not exactly sure where things are going yet? Enter –awkward dating scenarios.

Casually dating around Valentine’s day is utterly baffling. Do I get him something? Do I get her flowers? Do I mention, “Happy V Day,”? Do I get him a card? Do I take her out to dinner? Do we ignore the day completely? I mean it is a day of love; so what exactly happens when you’re just “not there yet”? You can’t just fool yourselves and celebrate a day dedicated to being in love. So what do you do?

Valentine’s day is the equivalent to meeting the parents in a relationship. If you’re just starting to date, you don’t want to jump ahead five spaces and move into something so fast without determining what your options are. Again, the timeline of dating in the 21st century has sped up tenfold. You don’t just “see where things are going,” and actually do just that –everything around you will not just stop because you’re trying to figure out your commitment issues. So should you jump on the V-day bandwagon or ignore it all together?

I may or may not be “casually” dating someone currently. But if I was, I would absolutely avoid and ignore any mention of Valentine’s day. Trying to “figure it out,” is complicated as it is -why encourage the awkwardness of it all and introduce a lovey-dovey mess of a day that should only be celebrated by couples that are truly in love? I have plans with myself that day.

I can understand how a girl in a new relationship can view a friend of hers in a serious relationship. It can be upsetting and jealousy may rear its ugly head, because, “My boyfriend didn’t do that for me!” However, every relationship is different and we are all on distinctive steps in life as we are in the relationships that we have with others. Just because another couple actively participates in Valentine’s day activities, does not mean that it’s not okay that others do not. Even if you’re single, why not celebrate how wonderful you are all on your own. Do something special that you never do for yourself –a mani/pedi, pick up that book you haven’t had time for, or just spend the day relaxing. Ever heard of Galentine’s Day? Celebrate the women in your life that are sometimes better than any boyfriend you could ever have.

Why would you want to be with someone that feels forced and manipulated by those around them to take part in these romantic endeavors? I’d rather wait for someone that wants to organically express his love for me and this will mirror the love that my parents have for one another. So if you have that kind of love, be as gross and lovey-dovey as you want and soak in the fact that you have found someone that you can do that with. Otherwise, be happy all on your own and celebrate those that you do love around you. Encourage the hopeless romantic in you -just because you haven’t found them yet, doesn’t mean that they’re not out there searching for you too.

1 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_Valentine

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^Unrealistic love expectations.

Romeo and Juliet

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Romeo and Juliet

Be open, honest, direct, and clear with yourself and others.

Finding Your Soul Mates Along the Way

I am the type of person that with each new experience and person that comes into my life, I strive to grow and learn from these chance encounters. I believe that there is a purpose for everything that happens in our lives. A smile from a stranger, tripping on the sidewalk –there are various intents as to why these things can happen. You’re feeling melancholy and a stranger smiles at you. It’s pretty hard not to smile back and in turn, your mood elevates. You tripped on the sidewalk, but you laugh it off and start to pay attention to everything around you and you find you are pleasantly surprised. You can choose to look at things from a positive or a negative perspective –it’s your choice. I choose to look at things in a positive light; and, yes, it’s kind of difficult at times, but life is about finding the good and overcoming the obstacles.

The people around you are meant to teach you lessons about yourself, love, and relationships. This is the whole reason that we are here on Earth –to learn to love ourselves and others. I believe that the special ones that come into our lives, such as family, best friends, and lovers, are our soul mates. A soul mate is someone that is intended to instruct a very important lesson about ourselves. Have you ever had a strong connection to someone that you couldn’t overcome? It’s not necessarily a sexual attraction, but something that literally pulls you towards each other, like a magnet? More than likely, that was one of your soul mates. So what did you discover from them?

I have had quite a few soul mates in my life and though most of them have only been with me for a short time, the impact of those experiences will stay with me always. So, what have I learned from these endeavors?

My initial encounter with love was a mess of hormones, confusion, and all of the exciting and terrifying feelings of first love. It was one of those fun relationships where we would literally break up every month and get back together after a few days –we were VERY young and stupid. After about four to five years of this, the finale was intense heartbreak where I was completely inconsolable, weeping in a ball on the floor, unable to move. So what was the point of this catastrophe? The cause of our ending was that it was unquestionably not meant to be but my lesson is accurately the most important piece of me that I have discovered. I learned that I should never be with someone that has to think twice about being with me. You should never undervalue yourself, no matter how much you love the other person. If it is a relationship full of imbalance, you are not meant to be together –and most of all, you deserve more. I feel that this is one of the greatest lessons you can acquire –to fully love and respect yourself. If you don’t, then how can you expect others to?

I am a very nurturing and supportive person –I can’t help it as much as I want to stop. As I’ve said before, people annoy me greatly; nonetheless, I attempt to do my best at helping and supporting those around me. Part of the reason that I am so drawn to psychology and self-development is that I have grown through the same occurrences, and I would like to share with those around me. The downfall of this is ending up in long, drawn out relationships where I end up looking after the boyfriend, rather than having a healthy, and emotionally stable connection. Despite these unfortunate relationships, I’d much rather have experienced them now while I’m younger, and gathering what I need from them, than ending up with the wrong person for the rest of my life.

I’ve realized that there are different types of love and in order to make a relationship work, you both need to have that same amount of passion towards each other. If you realize it’s not working, it’s unfair for BOTH of you to continue. Again, you are undervaluing yourself because you don’t want to hurt the other person but you’re really harming each other more by keeping the relationship going. It saves a lot of time and energy to be honest with yourself and others. Like pulling a bandage off –it’s better to pull quickly and endure the high, stinging pain that results, than slowly taking it off –you are just extending and strengthening the pain and hurt even more.

I’ve learned that no matter how much you love someone, if they don’t love themselves, all of the love in the world will not show them what an amazing person they truly are. I’ve always rolled my eyes at the statement, “You have to love yourself first,” but after my last relationship, I never comprehended how significant that truth really is. Just as you learn to love from your parents, the root of love really does start with yourself.

Being on this dating website, a few friends have commented that I’m rushing to find “my one,” and that you find your soul mate when you’re not looking. This is not my reasoning for being on a dating website –I’m not looking to get married or start a family ANY TIME SOON. I have truthfully not been legitimately single and enjoying life on my own since high school and I’m not content with going into my thirties like that. As I’ve stated in prior posts, you do not realize how hard it is to meet people. I’m not looking to date a bunch of guys at the same time and I’m absolutely NOT going to start sleeping around with them either. I want to meet new people and learn about their experiences and their journeys, and open myself up to different ways of living life. In a perfect world, I would ditch everything and just start traveling the world by myself and do it that way, rather than looking at a computer screen, but that’s not achievable for me right now. I’m working towards my dreams and my goals and while I feel like I’m stationary in an ever-moving world around me, I want to learn more and grow more before I even think about settling down -that’s never been one of my goals in life. I want to stumble upon my lessons in life and learn about myself and others, and if I find that “one,” along the way, then he will be one of those soul mates that I was drawn to so powerfully.

 

What’s Your Number? What’s Your Instagram? What’s Your Twitter? Can I Add You On Facebook?

Technology and etiquette. Is anyone else perplexed by this?

Dating etiquette AND technology!? This is just getting absolutely absurd.

When is it okay to ask for your phone number?

How long should I wait to text you? An hour? Two hours? A day? Three days?

I texted you, you never responded back to me, and now you just liked my status on Facebook? What? What about texting me back!?

Can I call you? No? You don’t like to talk on the phone???….

When is it okay to follow your Instagram?

When is it okay to follow your Twitter?

When is it okay to Snapchat each other?

When is it okay to add you on Facebook?

When is it okay to follow your blog?

When is it okay to add you on Myspace? (Ya, no. Let’s use social networking within this decade please. K, thanks.)

Why are you responding to me on another social networking app instead of the one that I originally messaged you with!?!? That’s like going into another room while we’re in the middle of a conversation!!

There are just WAYYY too many outlets, apps, and media that we use on a daily basis and then we add problematic dating endeavors on top of all of that? No wonder we’re so confused and stressed all the time. It’s exhausting. After writing this, I definitely want a cat-nap.

If you’re chatting with me on a dating website, and you ask for my phone number after only a few sentences, chances are, you will not be receiving my phone number. So when is a reasonable time to ask? Online dating is equivalent to meeting someone in person –just obviously a different approach. If you’ve held a continuous, intriguing conversation and feel that you’re equally interested, you’ll likely get a phone number after politely asking. Too many guys that I have chatted with have become increasingly oblivious to me being polite versus me being flirtatious –there is a very defined line between the two. Just be aware of how the conversation is going –I can’t stress that enough. Being aware and being in the moment makes you comprehend and appreciate so many things around you -but that’s a topic for another day.

Honestly I despise “texting rules.” If I want to text you, I will text you. If I had a nice time with you, I’ll let you know when I get home. I HATE the rules involved in “waiting a few days” before you should contact one another. I believe that we live in such a fast paced environment that this really doesn’t apply as much as it used to. To be fair, if I don’t respond to your text within a few short hours, chances are, I’m not that into it or I’m “super busy.” I consider this same tactic to your communication as well –if you don’t text me for a few days, you’re obviously not into me. Or…you got kidnapped and your kidnapper is apparently not answering your texts. But really, it only takes a minute to respond to someone, so if you’re into it, just do it –don’t use “being busy” as an excuse. As a society, we’re on our phones or electronic devices about 90% of the time, so saying you’re ‘too busy’ is bullshit. Acknowledging others is something that has become so rare. Just be honest and tell the person if you’re not interested so it saves you both a lot of time and wondering. I’m a very upfront person, so these silly rules are just fluff and complicate things even more. This does not mean to bombard me with texts throughout the entire day. Yes, it’s nice to talk to someone new, but really, the “less is more” idea can certainly be applied here. Keep them guessing, don’t give out too much information all at once. Like a good friend once told me, dating and getting to know someone are all about balance and once you find someone that comes naturally with, then everything else falls into place and you eventually don’t need to worry about the “rules.” If you have to force it, “it” is obviously not there.

So, what is NOT okay in regards to texting? Do not continually text “Good morning,” and “Good night,” to someone you just started talking to, especially if a conversation was not taking place at the time. You’re not dating yet, so why are you pushing? Also, it’s pretty safe to say that texting ONCE and waiting for a reply is the right way to go –NOT texting multiple times before they’ve had some time to respond. You wouldn’t interrupt someone in person after just asking them a question, so why do it electronically?

What’s the point of starting a possible “something” with someone and then saying you don’t like talking on the phone? I had a guy I was talking to, let’s call him, “Jiminy.” Jiminy was so sweet and kind and we definitely had a connection (he was also VERY attractive). We had been chatting for a few days, texting, etc. As I’ve said, I need to have some time talking to someone before actually meeting them. I ask if he wants to chat on the phone later. He responds back asking me, “Are you one of those girls that needs to talk for a few weeks before actually meeting?” Why, yes, yes I am, because I’m a smart woman and I know how to be safe and I’d rather do that, than put myself into a situation that I’d rather not be in. I explain that I’d like to get to know him more prior to meeting. He tells me he cannot do that -he hates texting and doesn’t talk on the phone so not meeting isn’t going to work for him. Geez….ouch. There has to be a balance of making the person that you’re talking to feel comfortable and vice versa –ESPECIALLY on the internet. You could be talking to a good-looking guy and it’ll turn out that his cat hacked into his computer. YOU NEVER KNOW!! So if you’re going to be texting and want the end result to meet in person, then make your recipient feel comfortable –be yourself (not your cat), and be genuinely interested in your conversation.

To me, all of this seems like common sense, but evidently, I’m alone in thinking this. Just because you’re behind a screen and can’t see a person, doesn’t mean that you should act dissimilarly than how you would normally be speaking in person. I’d rather be meeting someone that was everything I had hoped for and more than someone that was an entirely different person. Be aware, be balanced, be genuine, and just be YOU! That should really not be a difficult concept to grasp.

Whoever Said Dating Was Fun, Lied.

Dating websites are like window shopping, and as with shopping for clothes, who wouldn’t want to shop for their future date? Honestly, looking past all the frogs you come across, my generation has it pretty awesome in terms of meeting new people. ‘Pretty awesome’ does NOT discount the fact that it still sucks, but with this outlet showcasing all of the important traits and qualities that you look for, right there on the screen in front of you, it definitely makes it seem less sucky.

On the benefits of online dating, Aziz Ansari describes how his friend found his wife online: “He typed in Jewish and his zip code. That’s how I found a Wendy’s last week. He found his wife the same way.“ HAHA…yes I love Aziz Ansari but he makes a true point. There are definitely pros and cons to how we’ve grown up in a society that has had an increase in technological advances. But has it helped communication or further drifted us all apart?

You see someone at a bar that you find attractive so you make eye contact and after various glances and across the room flirting, you walk over to one another and start up a conversation. You find out that they live close by, what they do for work, if they have pets, etc. But only generalized information since this is after all, a first introduction -why get into the nitty-gritty details of each other yet? So you exchange phone numbers and they say that they’ll text you later. You go about your week, and a few days later you receive a text from this person. You go back and forth, get to know each other a little more, and eventually after continued conversations, you decide to meet up. You hang out one night and then you find out that this person has a quality that is a complete and utter deal breaker. Maybe they have a cat, and you’re deathly allergic and start dying, or maybe they’re Republican and you vowed that you would never befriend a right winger, or they’re a vegetarian, or they don’t like to cuddle, or they’re a born again virgin and refuse to kiss until marriage…. Whatever the quality that you dislike, this turns you off to the point that you just have to stop talking to them. I’m sure this has happened to at least some of you before. And then you feel like you’ve wasted so much time and energy on this one person. And maybe, just maybe, there was actually a really amazing person on the other side of the room that same night, but you’ll never know now because you just wasted a whole week on this mess of an individual!!!!!

Exhausting, right??

You see someone’s picture on this dating website that you’re on and find them very attractive so you click on their profile and scroll through. You find out all sorts of information that is almost a little TMI. You find out that they’re a Capricorn, that they have a dog, that they’re Buddhist, that they live 10 miles away from you, and OMG! THEY LOVE HARRY POTTER AS MUCH AS YOU DO! So you decide, after careful examination of their personal information spread across your screen, that you would like to befriend this person. So you send a message, tell them that you’re interested, that you enjoyed looking through their page, to message you back if they’d like to chat…and then you wait…………………………………………………………………………..*crickets* You can see when they check out your page and anxiously await a response back…and nothing. This person goes about their day not acknowledging that you exist.

As equally exhausting if you ask me, but I feel that these two scenarios are pretty much identical, but with online, all of your information is out there, and you can choose whether or not to respond or write to someone without any physical or emotional ties. Also, the timeline of these interactions speeds up ten-fold. You can decide in a few sentences and minutes, whether or not you’re interested in someone.

Seems pretty unromantic, doesn’t it? So what’s the point of this anyway? I suppose it’s the easiness of having a place where you can essentially pick out your perfect friend or mate. Technology has made us lazy. You reach out to someone, and without looking at you, they can either acknowledge or completely ignore you. How frustrating is that? Not only in friendships, but how on earth can dating –the most complicated human act possible become even more insanely complicated and difficult!?!?! Whoever said that dating was fun, lied…big time. But not just that, they obviously grew up in a time when buzzing touchscreens didn’t dictate their lives.

“New People”

I’m 27, and in a few weeks, I will be turning 28. (AHH!)

I have come to that point where I wish I could go back to my earlier 20-something self, and kick myself in the ass for not figuring my shit out earlier. Dump the dick boyfriends I was dating at the time, focus on me instead, tell myself, “Hey! Wake up! There’s crap you have to take care of! You are not getting any younger!”

I am a headstrong and opinionated woman, and I decided to take the road less traveled by others. Each decision we make, leads us in the direction that we’re meant to be, and this was mine. I am forever grateful for all of the lessons that I have learned along the way. I feel that I am consistent and diligent in making sure that I am aware of what I am meant to learn from any situation or person that comes into my life.

To be honest, in recent years, it has become increasingly difficult to meet new people. And when I say, “new people,” I mean people that are worthy of being an acquaintance or friend in my life. I.e. a genuine, no bullshit person that respects me, makes just as much of an effort to stay in my life as I do theirs, and is a true, supportive friend. Really not that much of a demanding request, I know, but more rare in this area and time than you would think.

I finished my Associate Degree in Psychology in 2009. My family fell upon some financial and health difficulties, and at that point, I put my schooling on hold and started a full time job in management to help out and ease the stress of the situation.

While I was attending community college, it was easier to meet similarly-thinking people around me; whereas at this job, my social circle was secluded to younger coworkers. Unfortunately these friendships that I started were looked down upon by upper management. While I worked 50-60 hours a week, going out into new environments and meeting new people just wasn’t feasible. Additionally, the friends that I did have strong ties with over the years, started to move away and move on with their lives, as people do.

I recently started a new job that is in a stuffy office and while I enjoy conversing with my new coworkers (there are only 4 of us), I have become directionless in meeting like-minded people. Getting outside of my comfort zone and meeting people at shows or in bars (ick) has helped but finding those really, really good people that push you to do your best is still hard to find. Don’t get me wrong. I am perfectly content being solo -I really am. I’d rather go off on adventures by myself than with other people. I tend to find the majority of the population, and the people around me rather annoying. Yet, I still have that desire and yearning to be close to others – I am only human after all.

Recently I’ve decided to stop focusing so much on those in my life that do not better me as a person. Unfortunately for me, that leaves less than a handful of people –which I am not complaining about because I’d rather have them than shitty, annoying people. I believe that the people you keep in your life should help feed your passions. There are various soul mates that can come into our lives –some are friends, some are lovers, and some are even enemies. Each of them are meant to be in your life at exactly that stage for the benefit of aiding you in your journey and learning a major lesson about yourself. This, I feel, is why I crave that comfort of new people –to open myself up to new experiences and learn different things about myself.

…..Consequentially, I have signed up for a dating website. Hey! If you’ve been reading thus far, you have realized how hard it is to meet people! And, though I don’t believe I’ve met anyone worthwhile as of yet (maybe…we’ll see about this one), I have gained the urgency to start a blog about all of the fantastic and hilarious stories that come out of dating and the awkwardness of meeting new people. So if this is my lesson involved in all of this, at least I am exercising it in a creative way.

So…I feel like this was my introduction of this new blog. Check back for my adventures in meeting and dating new people. I hope you will be entertained. :)