I’ve never felt my heart feel more full than when I think about how much I love him. <3
A little over 6 months ago I was ready to give up on my dating search. Then I received an out of the ordinary, sweet and simple message from a very fetching and handsome gentleman. We spoke continually for a few weeks; he wasn’t at all pushy or insistent, and then finally we went out on our first date. His flatteringly, dazed face when he first saw me in person is still the look he has when I catch him gazing at me. It’s taken about 6 months for me to (almost) get used to how well he treats me –you will be happy to know that I finally “allow” him to open doors for me without refusal. He’s become a person in my life that really compliments me rather than consumes and engulfs me. He’s become my best friend that I can be my absolute and ridiculously nerdy self with. I’m still surprised how easily we get along and how similar we are to one another. I am so grateful every day that he found me and I’m certainly blessed that he is my boyfriend. I love you him much.
Happy belated 6 months!!!! <3
Hello my love, how I have missed you….your soft golden light, your spicy scent of foliage and cooking in the air. Please be good to me and my loved ones. I promise that I will celebrate your presence with heaps of baking, and with as many sweater layers, socks, and boots that I can while under your California autumn sun. Please share yourself with the winter air and rain so that my nose and head do not learn to loathe your harsh, warm winds. I know you are just doing your job -to break away the pieces left behind so that in 6 months from now, new seeds can come back to life. I will embrace all that you offer and all that you express.
When the sun leaves the sky,
That’s how I feel when we leave each other.
I’m left glowing and your imprints remain on my skin.
After awhile they fade away into the sky,
And you leave stars in my eyes…
The night sky only glows so brightly when she knows the sun will kiss her in the morning.
She stepped barefoot through the wet grass,
Green flecks sticking to her toes.
The wind pushed back her hair like invisible fingers,
Tracing the outline of her features.
She held a cross-body bag close to her hip,
Her hand clinging to the top zipper,
Fearful that its’ precious contents would spill out.
She gently undid the top of the bag,
Wedged her hand inside and grasped a small book.
It was drenched in stardust,
Trickling onto the ground and her skirt; sticking to her palms,
There was a trail of wet, dewy stars trailing behind her.
She carried a tiny, infinite universe within her bag,
It held endless possibilities and it was up to her to dream and create them.
She wrote and drew all of her wishes, hopes, and desires in her star-kissed book.
Every time she did, she created more stars, nebulas, and everlasting life and light.
Anything and everything she wanted,
All she had to do was visualize and she instantly created it.
She was grateful for her gifts and abilities,
However, there was a loneliness inside her heart,
She yearned for someone extraordinary to share her creations with.
She began to write down all of the qualities she would like in another,
She was detailed in her wishes and a small nebula started to form.
It was tucked away in the corner of her universe, between two planets.
She waited patiently but the nebula did not expand as quickly as others had before,
It seemed suspended in its’ growing state.
She continued on, designing more and more of her unbounded universe,
And soon she put the beautiful, odd nebula out of her starry head.
With every dream and star she created,
Another piece of her was unmasked,
Gathered from the lush and vaporous universe.
Soon, her whole heart was revealed as she gazed at her cosmos, satisfied with her innovations.
In the corner of her eye, the unusual nebula began to spread out,
Clouds of colors and light start to form until an immense orb of light shoots out into the vastness.
She shields her eyes.
When she regains her vision, the nebula is gone.
All that remains is the night sky and stars in the distance.
Perplexed by the strange occurrence, she scoops up her bag and continues walking.
Tiny droplets start to fall from the clouds up above,
Beads cling to her cheeks and eyelashes as she starts to jog out of the rain.
Puddles form on the ground and she realizes that they are full of stardust.
She looks up at the clouds and they emulate the nebula mist she saw in her universe.
She sees something up ahead through the starry haze and her breath is taken away.
On the path, there’s a bright figure of glimmering fog floating in her direction,
As the silhouette glides closer, she senses a sparkling energy in the air, pulsing from the tiny, electrifying cloud.
Distance starts to close in and a feeling of familiarity and intimacy rush and warm through her heart, radiating outwards.
Her legs pull towards the cloud like a magnet,
As she approaches, reaching her fingers out, the mist envelops her in its’ stunning, warm light.
It seeps into her skin, flowing through her body, filling and saturating her.
All at once, she feels full, whole and light as an angel’s feather.
Her eyes are shimmering more than ever before.
She is the most brilliant and radiant star in her sky.
She is complete –filled with all of the love she has given to every starry fragment.
She is her ultimate creation; she is her universe.
I’ve been working on this short story for a few weeks now. I kept going back to it, changing and revising it because I never felt like it was complete. In the beginning, I had planned to have her meet the love of her life in the ending but it just didn’t feel right after it was all laid out on paper –something was off. It seemed like one of those Disney fairytales where the princess cannot be truly happy or whole until the prince comes to rescue her. In my feminist habits, this is absolutely furthest from the message that I wanted to convey.
However, writing this has been a journey all on its’ own for my own realization that the only true love that you should be looking for is the one with yourself. You know in your heart that you deserve more than the relationships that you’ve had in the past, so why don’t you act with that purpose? Knowing is one thing but acting with that knowledge is true wisdom.
You can only find your better whole when you’ve created yourself first. That’s one of the major lessons of life –we’re uncovering so many different pieces of ourselves along the way. Sometimes our path gets shrouded with missteps and we end up following our emotions rather than what our heart is really trying to tell us. I feel it’s rather simple but we overcomplicate it so much that we lose the true meaning of life and of love.
Create yourself and I don’t mean in the way that you need to make up who you are. You already are who you are –give as much love as you can to every piece of yourself; you’ll unfold and blossom. Use that passion to build yourself up, never tear yourself down; learn what works and what doesn’t; take time to heal when another’s actions harm you –your scars are lessons that make you resilient. But truly, once you find that passion within, it’s like you unveil all of the parts of yourself that you never realized were there. Your own creativity and your love will move the mountains that you place in your own way. And once you fully act with love, there’s no reason for your true self to be covered up anymore. And maybe that’s when you’ll find someone that sees that beauty and loves every piece of you.
I always make it a point to write from my heart on all of my topics; however I prefer to keep my personal romantic endeavors quite vague and inexplicit. This article will be an exception to that.
I’ve come to a point in the last few months that I was considering deleting my online dating account. Honestly, trying to filter out who’s actually genuine and real is draining and exhausting. It had made me despondent and I started believing that there really are no gentlemen left –only lost boys disguised as them.
In my experience over the last four months, I have come across only one noteworthy man. Let’s call him Gary for anonymity’s sake.
Gary seemed very put together –he was handsome and witty; he was working on his MBA, had traveled all over the world, and had studied abroad in different countries for school and for work. For all intents and purposes, he actually had his life and future together which was quite refreshing. Frankly, I was intimidated –he was intelligent, articulate, but for some reason, it was hard to ascertain his attraction towards me. I had honestly never met anyone like him before; he made me flustered. However, his conversations with me came off as ostentatious and hard-hitting. This gave me the impression that he thought I should inform myself more on social issues –which is not entirely false, but there’s a gentler and cordial approach that could have been used. I responded with silence and felt stifled. Despite my instincts telling me we were absolutely wrong for one another, I continued our puzzling friendship and intimate involvement; mostly out of boredom and curiosity. I wondered if he would ever open up and really share himself with me; but I took it for what it was and concluded that he did not want anything more than our current arrangement.
A little over three months went by and we had a routine that we would hang out every weekend; I would sleepover and quickly and quietly leave in the morning. I had never been in a situation like that before so not having those definite borders within an established relationship was new to me. And although this different approach was thrilling and exciting; in retrospect, I was settling for comfort and fun over my well-deserved butterflies, romance, and passion. He never made me feel that he wanted to be amorous with me and it was my fault for continuing on, letting him believe that I was content with it. Again, another self-respect lesson. Why settle and spend time with someone you know you have no future with? You’re only postponing for when the right one will come along.
I sent him a message explaining how we weren’t perfect for one another, how our fling had obviously fizzled out, and just being respectful of our friendship and our time together –because in all honesty, I did really enjoy his company –he is a very distinctive and clever guy. I was basically giving him an out if he wanted it –testing the waters to see if I should just move on or not.
Now I’m not going to go into detail about the events that transpired afterwards. As much as I am hurt and saddened to not have him in my life any longer, I am not the type of woman to rant to the online world about the specific wrongdoings of another. When two people are not right together, no matter how much you care, it just won’t work out. And he made it clear that he truly had no idea what he wanted –and it definitely was not me.
The Universe pushes us in the right direction all the time –especially when we’re off track. If we don’t make our move and sit in the wrong place for too long, we get burned by our inactions. Settling for something not meant for you is being indecisive and you’re only hurting yourself. You become too afraid to make a choice to walk away. And truthfully, I was afraid to walk away –as casual as it was. Closing the door to a situation is always frightening because it’s hard to see yourself without them or having things be different.
This circumstance has positively changed my perspective and opened my eyes. Of course there were a lot of other interactions with different guys and possibilities, but none of them are worth mentioning. I truly know what I want in the man I give my heart to –whether he’s online, already in my life now, or I meet him someday. Settling for anything less than what I want is unacceptable. Being “casual” with someone is completely overrated and absolutely beyond complicated. Adding sex into the mix of an already confusing situation made me feel attached to someone I really didn’t feel a strong connection to in the first place. I need to be clear-cut and honest about my feelings with someone and I want that fully reciprocated. I don’t deserve being tossed back and forth because someone doesn’t know what they want. I want someone that knows exactly what he wants and isn’t afraid to express that and go after it. I want to be chased, I want to be pursued, I want to be won over by someone. I want romance and I want to be treated like he believes I’m the most incredible woman in the world. Because at this point, I’m aware of how easily I open up my heart to people and that’s really not being fair to myself. How can I let someone fight for my heart if I just openly give it to them initially?
So whether I meet someone online again, he’s already in my life, or I haven’t met him yet –he’s got to pull down the stars from the heavens if he truly wants me and my love entirely.